God has been turning up the heat and bringing a lot of impurities to the surface to burn them out. One of the major impurities He has brought up in me is my lack of trust. My lack of trust in people, and my lack of trust in Him. Though I still trust in the promises of God, I have realized that my trust in the process and my trust in my own gift of discerning and hearing His voice has diminished.Because of everything that has happened in our lives over the past year, I began to doubt that I had heard God correctly. I don't doubt His will, but I confess that I have doubted my ability to discern His will. I also forgot, or should I say I didn't connect the dots of what has happened to the time before all of this that God gave me a choice. I could have taken a different path. He didn't show me what I was to walk through but He did reveal it would not be an easy path. He asked if I was willing to pay the price of following Him? At the time I was like, "Yes, God. I will pay any price." Then the time came for me to pay up. In the moment, I didn't see that what we were going through was a process of paying the price.
At the time I knew that God had told me to stand up (1 Samuel 1:9 NIV), stand on (Habakkuk 2:1; 2 Thessalonians 2:15), and speak the truth (Ephesians 4:25). He told me that He was sending me to a "stubborn and obstinate people" (Ezekiel 2:4). I knew at the time the truth I was to speak would not be well received. I was willing to pay the price and long as it was only me to get hurt, then I saw the true "cost" of innocent people getting hurt, friendships lost and offenses toward others began taking root in myself and those around me.
I've struggled the last few months, questioning, "did I hear God correctly?" "did I speak the truth out of love?" I can answer "yes" to both of those questions, but what I didn't realize is that by asking them, I let doubt in. There is nothing wrong with questioning your decisions, especially when the outcome is not what was expected, but when we know we did the right thing and still say, "but, what if..?", then we invite the enemy to come in and destroy our trust.
That is why I have been so silent lately. "Who am I to say these things?" "I spoke up and look what happened, people got hurt". These are just a couple of the lies the enemy has been whispering in my ear. I listened to a sermon today and it was just another pieces added to the puzzle of my healing. (Bridgeway's Stance on Hyper Grace - Chad Norris) Between that sermon, the cleansing stream study we are going through, and God revealing things to me through His word and close friends; it makes me realize that, yes, people got hurt because of the truth being spoken, I am sorry for that and I feel their pain (so much so I even took on their offenses as well as my own). The truth is offensive and often times when the truth is spoken impurities are forced out into the light. The impurities were already there, within myself and others, the truth just brought them up to be dealt with. It is then, when the impurities are exposed that it is up to the individual to decide what they are going to do with it. I cannot be held accountable for how others choose to react, I can only control how I react.
I confess, it's been a roller coaster ride. At first I was o.k. (I hadn't seen the impurities yet), I knew I had followed God's will. I didn't understand the outcome but I trusted God that His hands were in it. Then, over time, I didn't hear anything from God, I thought that he had placed me in the desert to journey through what had happened. Only recently, did I come to the realization, with the help of Holy Spirit, that I had placed myself in the desert because of my doubt in hearing and discerning God's will for my life.
Since that realization, I have confessed my lack of trust in God and in my lack of trust in my gift of discerning His will. I am now in the process of finding those doors in my past where mistrust has entered and closing them for good, with the help of Jesus.
Had God shown me then, what the cost was going to be for my obedience, I honestly don't think I would have taken the same steps. Knowing what I know now, however, would I do the same thing? I would say, without hesitation, yes! Even though so many people got hurt, I have to trust God and trust that He knows what he is doing? No matter how painful this has been, it has brought things to the surface that needed to be brought into the light and burned out. Purification is, often times, a painful process. Just as we have to prune a plant so that it can be healthier and bear more fruit, God sometimes has to prune us. But there is comfort in knowing that it is for His glory and our benefit. There is comfort in knowing that He never leaves us or forsakes us. I have seen so much proof of that over the past few months.
I thought God wasn't speaking to me, yet now that my ears are unblocked I can look back and see where He was never silent, I just couldn't hear Him through the doubt and through the offenses
It reminds me of the rose out in front of my house. We used to have a tree in the front yard that shaded it and no matter what I did, I couldn't get it to grow. We had to take down the tree because of carpenter ants and the rose took off and thrived in the sunlight. So much so that it began to grow wildly and wouldn't stay contained to the trellis we have placed to give it support. It began to grow into the walk way and was getting in the way of those wanting to enter. This year we pruned it way back, so far back I worry that it was too much, but just a few days ago I looked at it and saw the new buds and new growth. I am confident it is going to flourish and be healthier because we cur it back. I may be wrong because we are only human, but When God prunes we can trust that He knows what He is doing. In His wisdom He never prunes too much and always prunes the proper amount at the right time. Though it is painful, in the end we will be beautiful plants that will bear much fruit.
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
1 Peter 1:6-7
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
