We are at a moment in time when we have to help our daughter through something that no parent wants their child to go through.The death of a friend by suicide. My heart is breaking for my child, yet, at the same time, I know it is nothing compared to what she is going through, and I can't begin to imagine the pain the other family is going through dealing with the loss of their child. Watching my daughter struggle with the grief and the questions of ,"could I have done more to change this?" makes me angry at the enemy who has come to steal, kill, and destroy.
I am writing to parents on this one. Wake Up!!! Don't be deaf to your children. I have a heart for the younger generation. I see a pattern of too many kids not being able to talk with their parents and too many parents so naive in what their kids are going through and what is influencing their kids. I remember what it was like as a teenager (even though that was decades ago for me). We looked at adults as "they don't understand what we are going through" Why did we think that? We thought that way because our parents never shared what they went through. Too many parents today are too ashamed to let their kids know about their past. That is a tool of the enemy to come in and divide the family. I have always been open and honest about my past with my girls. They know I struggled with an eating disorder in junior high, they know I had many boyfriends, they know I was date raped at the age of 16 and how I put myself into the situation for that to happen. They have heard about my drunken nights before I became a Christian and they were even first hand witnesses to the struggles Jason and I had in our marriage. I have always been open and honest with them. Because of that, they know that they have the freedom to come to me without fear of judgment with ANYTHING they are struggling with. They KNOW I will love them unconditionally and not try to change them against their will.
I also talk with their friends. The rule in my house is you can tell me anything in confidence and unless I think you are in danger and I will not share it with your parents. Some of you may get mad at me about this, but know that I also give godly advice to them. All teenagers need a safe place to ask questions, and unfortunately for some it is not home. I know what that is like too. When my oldest was in junior high she would talk to me about some things but others she wouldn't. As a parent I made sure there were trustworthy people in her life that were mature and that she could go to. For her, it was her youth group leaders, for other kids it could be a parent of a friend or a teacher. It breaks my heart for the kids and for the parents who do not have that close relationship with their kids. It also makes me mad, because I believe every parent can have that, but they have to put themselves aside and too many are not willing to do that; or worse yet they don't even see that "they" are what is in the way of the relationship. They want to blame their kids, their kid's friends, the media, anything else because its easier than looking at themselves.
I didn't know this friend of my daughters and I didn't know what the relationship was like between her and her parents. I am not talking about them. I am also not saying that having an open relationship with your kids will produce happy, well behaved teenagers. Remember there is an enemy out there who wants to destroy them. This is a bold generation; one who is unashamed to speak up for their beliefs and share their faith and this generation has the enemy scared. Why can I say that with such conviction? Just look at the attacks. Things are a lot different from when we were kids and some things are kids go through we can't begin to understand because we didn't have to battle it.
- Sex: they are surrounded by it, in the movies, in the music, at school. The rates of teens addicted to pornography are higher today and they start at a younger age. Technology has opened up a world at our fingertips, but it is not all good.
- Bullying: when we were kids we had to deal with it, but we could also get away from it. We tell our kids to walk away but how can they when it is on their phones, in their inbox, on their twitter and Facebook. They can't get away from it unless they unplug, and no teen wants to do that.
- Fear: we didn't have to walk through metal detectors to go to school like some kids today have to. School used to be a safe place but now we have school shootings. What better way to take out a generation that is bold than to instill fear in them.
- Violence: again they are surrounded by it in the news, neighborhood, movies, video games, and even music.
- Drugs: sure we had access to them growing up but they have never been more readily available than right now and a lot of teens see it as acceptable. After all, the medical community starts pushing the drugs on them at a young age. "oh your acting up in class? Here's a pill for that" or "you cant sit steal in class after sitting on your butt playing video games all night at home? Here's a pill for that". Society has trained them that taking something for the pain, or "to help you get through" is OK. When a teen looks at it they really don't see a difference form the prescription to the illegal.
- Here are just a few statistics: (1)
- A 2007 survey in the US found that 3.3% of 12- to 17-year-olds and 6% of 17- to 25-year-olds had abused prescription drugs in the past month.
- By survey, almost 50% of teens believe that prescription drugs are much safer than illegal street drugs—60% to 70% say that home medicine cabinets are their source of drugs.
- Depressants, opioids and antidepressants are responsible for more overdose deaths (45%) than cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine and amphetamines (39%) combined.
We, as parents, have to make ourselves available for our children. I understand the need for "some" families to have 2 incomes, but even after work, families are over scheduled with activities. They learn at a young age that we are not available for them, when they come up to show us something and we repeatedly hold up a hand to them and say, "wait a minute". What does that tell them? That whoever, or whatever it is that has our attention is more important than them. After getting the hand for years they just quit coming to us.
Another contributor to the divide is that the family dinner table has become a thing of the past. I cant count the number of times my kitchen has become the gathering place for a bunch of teenagers. We have had great conversations around our table. That is the place we get to know our kids. How would you talk to your friends if you were out to dinner with them? Talk to your kids the same way. We as parents are so afraid to "be friends" with our kids. Should I say it? yes I'm going to say it.
It OK to be friends with your kids. Yes, there has to be some balance because we also have to be their parents, but whoever said you cannot be both was an idiot.
A complaint I hear a lot from parents is, "my kids don't respect me". I have a question for you; do you respect them? With teenagers, we have to be good listeners. We have to learn to just shut our mouths and put our opinions aside, and listen. In my house, my girls will give me a warning if it is something controversial, they will say something like, "don't get upset" or "hear me out". I have to respect that. Most of the time when they say that, I brace myself for the worse and when they finish talking it's like, "oh that's all? well that wasn't bad." Let them know you are interested in their lives without judgment or criticism. Trust me they get criticized all day long they don't need it at home. Do you listen to your kids? I mean truly listen to your kids?
Have they criticized you? Were they right with what they said or did you just see it as disrespect? One thing I love about teenagers is they are brutally honest. They tend to call out what they see. We as adults see it as disrespect, instead of swallowing our pride and learning from the younger generation.
They are also hungry for our trust and acceptance. If we have created an atmosphere in our homes of open communication, instilled values in the and trained them in the way they should go, then why do we not trust? If you doubt your parenting, don't take it out on your kids. Or maybe I should say it this way; by not trusting your kids, what you are actually saying is you don't think you raised them well enough to make the right decisions. Before my second and third child were born I had a Sunday school lesson on raising kids. One thing stuck with me all these years about the responsibilities of parents.
- From birth to ages 5-6, we train them and teach them
- From ages 5-6 to around 10-12, we reinforce what we have taught
- From 10-12 to adult we pray.
Now don't get me wrong here, I do believe we always have influence in our children's lives even into adulthood, but the level of control changes. That is where most parents stumble. When they begin to lose control over their children's lives. I have a news flash for you. They are not ours to control. God has given us the privilege of teaching, training and guiding them but they do not belong to us. They are His. The teenage years are their training grounds for adulthood. It is the time for them to practice being an adult. How can we as parents assist them? We do that by letting them fly, and fall; by gently guiding not holding onto them.
I am so grateful to have a close relationship with each of my girls. As much as it pains me to see my daughter go through this, as much as it has pained me in the past to watch my oldest go through things like breakups with boyfriend and friends, I know I can't shelter them. I have wanted to at times. What parent wants their child to go through pain? Here's another news flash, life is full of pain. I would rather my girls learn that while under my protection than when they are out in that cold world. Teach them now to "take their stand against the enemy's schemes" while you have their back. Be there for your kids, to love them, accept them for who they are, not for who
you want them to be, encourage them, listen to them, and guide them. Don't control them or shelter them.
The Bible says we are to "train up a child in the way they should go and when he/she is old they will not depart from it" - Proverbs 22:6. The key word there is go, not stay to make us feel good. they are not ours to hold onto and God has a plan for each and every one of them. Do we love them and Him enough to let go and let them have their own testimony? Do we love them enough to be there for them without judgment? Or are we too selfish and self-centered to let go because we need them more than they need us? If you are a parent who tends to hold on, then learn to let go. If you are a parent who doesn't have a good relationship with your teen, start by learning to listen and let go of any judgment. There is hope. I fully believe we can defeat the enemy who has come to divide the family when we stand together, but to do that we must put ourselves aside.
sources:
(1) (http://www.drugfreeworld.org/drugfacts/prescription/abuse-international-statistics.html)
Its dark and your tucked inside the warm covers with sweet dreams running through your head, when the alarm sounds and you grudgingly pull your arm out and slam it down on the snooze button. As you lay there, waiting for round 2 with the alarm clock, you begin to pray, "Thank you God for this day. Be with me today. Lord guide my steps, keep my family safe and help me to have a good day. In Jesus Name, Amen"
I can keep going. David was called a "man after God's own heart". I believe it was because David longed to spend time with his heavenly Daddy. He hungered to know God and to be known by Him. How would the world around us change if we, who call ourselves "Christians", would exhibit half the hunger David did? I leave with one last verse.
