Love

"Love the Lord your God with ALL your heart and with ALL your soul and with ALL your strength and with ALL your mind" Luke 10:27

Deuteronomy 6:5; 10:12; 11:13; 13:3; 30:6

Joshua 22:5; Matthew 22:37; Mark 12:30

I am officially a big sap. Whoever would have thought that after 21 years of marriage I would miss Jason this much when he is gone? A few years ago, at the thought of his retirement, I imagined I would get sick of him being home all the time but now I would love to spend all day, every day with him. A couple days ago when we talked on the phone we were talking about how he feels the same. He commented that it was like when we were dating again and I have to agree. I think the only other time I missed him this much was when he was in basic training. There was a time in our marriage though that I actually wanted him gone and when I did miss him it was because I needed him to do things. This time though, yes things are stressful and I could use an extra pair of hands but I just miss him. I miss just hearing his voice, I miss the way he gives me a kiss when I'm sleeping before he leaves for work. I miss him texting or calling me during the day. I miss the hug and kiss I get right when he gets home and most of all I miss laying in his arms at night.
As I contemplate how much I miss Jason, it makes me think of God's love. If the church (me) is the Bride and Jesus is the Groom then how much does He miss us when we are not with Him. He tells us in the Bible He will never leave us. He is always with us, yet how does God feel when we are too busy for Him or ignore Him when He speaks to us? As great as my love for Jason is and my desire to be with him and share everything with him, it's almost unfathomable to think that God's love for me is infinitely more. How much does God long to hold me in His arms? How much does He long for me to take time out of my day to talk to Him and tell Him how much I love Him? The intimacy God desires to have with me? The oneness, the closeness; it's just unimaginable. I can only somewhat measure how I feel and how deep my love for Jason is and his love for me, but how much deeper is God's love for me? WOW. When I just try to grasp that how can I not run after Him, seek Him, worship Him and serve Him with everything that I am?

Side step- Teenagers

I know this is a blog about marriage but I have to take a side step here and talk about something very dear to my heart that has been bothering me lately. That subject is teenagers. Yeah I know what you are thinking,"aren't teenagers supposed to bug you?" But that is exactly what I want to talk about.
This past weekend we went with some friends to see the movie Courageous for the second time. (Fabulous movie) Laying in bed that  night there was something that bothered me from the movie. There was one scene in particular that portrayed the steroetypical teenager. You know what I'm talking about, lazy, disrespectful, rebellious, and annoying. I talked in my last blog about how society and media have dumbed down fathers, but what has it done to teenagers. Think about it.  Can we all be that way at times? In the movie, it shows fathers how important being there for your kids is, but how important is how we look at our kids?  What happens in our marriages when we buy in to what society tells us about our spouses? They tend to fall apart, but don't we do that with our teens? When I focused on the negative in Jason it made the negative grow, when I started seeing him as God saw him change started to happen.
Are we speaking, thinking and praying life over our teens or death? I'm not saying to go be your teens best friend that's the last thing they want or need. The teenage years are practice for being an adult, are we lookng at our teens as adults or still children. Our job as parents is to "train them up in the way they should go." Look at that again, "...in the way they should "GO". That means we need to let them go, let them practice, encourage them to practice being an adult. You want to keep communication open with your teen, quit talking to them as if they were a child. Maybe they do still have a lot to learn but don't under estimate what they already know. Their perspectve may surprise you. Give them their wings, teach them how to use them, and let them practice. That way if they fall you are there to catch them.
I love my teenagers and their friends. I refuse to see them as irresponsible kids who don't know what they are doing. Take the time to get to know the teens in your life and you will see they can be responsible if that's what you speak over them. And as for not knowing what they are doing, yes at times they may need guidance but they know far more than we give them credit for. Have confidence in how you raised your kid. I have learned so much from my teenagers maybe just as much as I have taught them.

4 Little Words

In my Christian journey there have been 4 little words that have made the biggest impact in my life. I have been reflecting lately on what my life would have been like if my dear friend Zoila (I miss you, and am jealous that you are with Jesus) would not have said them to me many times. I now find myself saying these words to others, and I realize that even though they were said to me in the context of my marriage they fit in every aspect of my life.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

In the years that we were struggling in our marriage I would go to Zoila for guidance and to complain about Jason and she would simply look at me and lovingly ask, "but Carrie, What are you doing?" I would get so mad at her for saying that but I knew she was right. No matter what was being done to me I was also contributing to the situation. I now look at other areas of my life and ask the same question. When I'm driving down the road and someone cuts me off and I get angry and I can feel the road rage begin I ask, "What am I  doing?" When I am irritated with my teenagers not communicating with me or being disrespectful or disobedient, I pause and ask ,"What am I doing?"

  Matthew 7:2-5 “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?"

It is so easy for us to point the finger at the other person when we are offended or hurt but we must remember that we too are guilty. We are guilty by how we react to that offense or hurt. So before you jump to a reaction ask yourself, "What am I doing?" make sure there is no plank in your own eye before you start pointing out the speck in your brother's or sister's eye.  

Do Not Conform

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." - Romans 12:2

The Message Bible puts it this way "Do not become so well adjusted to your culture that you fit in without even thinking."

     Looking back over the last 2 years I can see how God has taken that verse and showed me that I didn't have to accept the "pattern" of this "culture" for our marriage. I questioned God why he wouldn't take the desire and dream I had for my marriage; He wouldn't because He put it there, he had something better in mind. He didn't want our marriage to "conform to the pattern".
     I have read so many books and done so many Bible studies about what God says marriage should be; I should say what people think God says marriage should be. So many of the studies contradict each other and it leaves those seeking feeling even more hopeless and confused than before. What God has shown me though is that He does have a design for marriage. It is a design and purpose so unique to each marriage that no one could ever write about it, yet they all should have the same result; to show God's love to the world.
     Lying in bed with Jason Sunday morning I was thinking about how Strong and deep our love is and it was as if I heard God say, " You feel this love for Jason  and you feel this love from Jason; how much more do you think I love you? The intimacy you share is only a fraction of what I want to share with you. The desire for time together is infinitesimal compared with My desire to spend time with you." Wow!
     To think of where God has taken us in the past few years is incredible and He has done that for a purpose. Just 2 years ago I had so much hurt in my heart that I didn't want to be in the same room with Jason. Now I hate being away from him. When I look into his eyes I see and feel the love he has for me. He cherishes me, he is leading me, he even defends me. When I feel his love for me and then I think of God and that Jason's love is only a fraction of what God's love is, it blows me away.
     God doesn't want His people to have marriages like everyone else. He calls us to "not conform"' He wants us to have something extraordinary. He even gives us what we need to accomplish it. If only His people would quit settling for mediocre. Wake up to the passion God has for you in your lives and in your marriages. God wouldn't let me accept anything less and now we have something extraordinary, and what really blows my mind is that God isn't finished with us yet.

Our Sacred Romance

God has given us a glorious gift in the restoration of our marriage. As I meditate on everything that God is doing all I can do is just stand in awe, and yet my heart breaks for others. They just don’t comprehend what God desires our lives to be like. He wants to bless us beyond measure but we need to turn, with all we are, to Him in order for Him to pour out His love and mercy.

The church has settled in this life and became passive in the pursuit of God’s will for their lives. In the years of struggles we had in our marriage I was told by many well-intentioned godly women to just accept things and be the dutiful wife. That was what I was supposed to do. I wanted to scream at them about the aching hunger I had inside, “don’t you understand that there is more! There has to be more than this or it is not worth living!” I would even pray to God to take that burning desire of what I felt God wanted for my marriage away; after all everyone around me was telling me it was an unreachable dream; unrealistic. I now thank God that He kept that passion burning. He gave me the promise to “restore the years” (Joel 2:25) and I held to it with everything I had.  

Jason and I stand now as a testimony that “all things are possible with God” (Matt. 19:26) and that God doesn’t just restore, He remakes all things new. (2 Cor. 5:17) But now the burning desire is still there; not for God to renew our own marriage; but the desire to shout it to the nations that this (what Jason and I have found) IS God’s will for marriage. He is still shaping us and I know He is not finished with us but as He molds us my prayer becomes this… Lord, Let us show others what Your will is that they too can have this sacred romance, which glorifies You. They too can understand God’s love, if at least a little and live it out daily in their homes. They too can join hands with their spouse and do battle for the hearts of their children; they too can be a living testimony to the heart of God. -In Jesus Name, Amen

Vulnerability- Tearing Down the Walls

Lamentations 4:1-2 “How the gold has lost its luster, the fine gold become dull! The sacred gems are scattered at every street corner.  How the precious children of Zion, once worth their weight in gold, are now considered as pots of clay, the work of a potter’s hands!”

I admit I’m no Bible scholar but I have always loved the analogy of being “clay in the potter’s hands”. When I first came to Christ I had a passion in me; a drive to learn all that I could about my Jesus. Over time though that passion faded and I became dull. But God is a gracious God and wasn't finished with me yet. If you have ever worked with a pottery wheel you know that often times when you begin a work you must start over. You throw the lump of clay on the wheel and as the wheel begins to spin your hands begin to shape it. Everything is going great and you can see your masterpiece beginning to take shape then something happens and everything is split in two. You gather all the clay up and slam it back down on the wheel again and start over till you have perfected the piece you are working on.  When your piece is finished you then place it in the fire of the kiln. As the piece is heated and tested by the fire it cracks and you must start again.

So many times in my Christian journey I have felt like that piece of clay. At times I may have even made it to the kiln but I didn't make it through the fire. The difference between us and a piece of clay is that clay is an inanimate object and doesn't fight what is being done to it. We on the other hand often fight the Potter’s hands because it hurts or we don’t like what it is turning into. At times what we see isn't what the Potter sees and we think if we can just get our hands in there then we can help Him. When we do that often times that is when things fall apart.

God has been walking Jason and me through some stuff lately that we didn't imagine we would have to walk through. But especially with me; he is shaping me into something new. In the past when a trial in our marriage has arisen I went to my defenses and put up a wall to protect myself. God is telling me to stop. I need to quit turning to my own defenses and let God be my protector. Instead of putting up my wall I need to run to Him. And in that, I need to be vulnerable and open to Jason. When God first started telling me that, I argued, “No way God. I’m just going to get hurt and I can’t take anymore hurt”. But He was persistent because He could see the finished product. As I open up to Jason and let my walls down the Lord is doing some amazing healing. Not just in our marriage but in us as individuals. What I thought were walls to protect me were actually walls keeping the blessings that God had for me and for my marriage out. He has been showing me how “when I am weak, He is Strong”.

 No marriage is without trials but how we react to each other in those trials will determine the outcome. By me not putting up my walls when a conflict starts it allows Jason the opportunity to minister to me and encourages him to step out of his comfort zone. This allows us to grow closer together and closer to God and allows the Holy Spirit room to do His work in us and through us.

Where are we going from here?

Where are we going from here? How many times have you asked yourself that question? I know Jason and I have asked it a lot, especially lately.

Jason and I agree that we are to be in marriage ministry, we’ve known it for years. I have been in a holding pattern waiting to walk out our ministry and now I feel like the storm is finally breaking. Now we are both in the same place and we are ready to move but there are so many obstacles. We are at a time of change in our life with Jason’s retirement from the Air Force looming in the future.  Looking ahead to try to figure out what he is going to do after military life our desire is to be in the will of God, but when we look at the present so many things are clouding our vision. We have been praying for the past couple of months for directions and clarification, yesterday I believe I received some direction.

Our Pastor was talking about what we can learn from John the Baptist and how he lived to be great in the kingdom of God. It wasn’t this extravagant life of him having his hands in every religious activity or living this glorious life, no, it was simple. First he lived a life led by the spirit. How many times have Jason and I felt the pull of the spirit in one direction but let the clutter of life pull us in another. He knew the call on his life and didn’t let anything waiver him from that call. The next thing John did was live a simple life. When our pastor talked about that, I began to get clarification. It was repeating things that I have been reading about in a book called “Radical”.

 Our pastor said, “Get to the point where you are unshackled by your need of approval.” It always amazes me how God can use something someone says to convict you so strongly.  I have continued to work in children’s ministry, even though I know that is not where God wants me because I don’t want to disappoint people or make people mad. It does at times feel like I’m shackled.   He ended his sermon with, “Let 'Jesus' be the one you are serving.” I have been serving the church, serving the children, serving my leaders, but I have not been serving Jesus. From the outside it may appear that way because we are supposed to serve in the church, but God wants us to serve where “HE” desires not just where there is a need. I must simplify my life to allow the Holy Spirit to work through it. Now is the time for us (Jason and I) to move in our ministry, even if it means I need to give up other areas of my life to do it, I will be obedient.

It’s All Gonna Be Ok – Pt. 2 Crossing the Jordan

Kitchen remodels demand alot of time and I am finally finding the time to finish this draft and post it. I originaly drafted it in April and alot has happened since then, but I will fill you in on that in a different post.

God never fails to surprise me in unexpected ways. We came home from the conference on Saturday not knowing what to expect. I knew the house was going to be a mess since we were under construction but I did not expect the wall removal to make that much if a difference. The lyrics to one of the song we sang on Friday night went like this, “Aint no party like a Holy Ghost party cause a Holy Ghost party don’t stop”. We were still at the party even though we were home.  Of course neither one of us could stop talking about how God moved throughout the weekend but we also noticed  the bare walls with exposed wood and decided that it needed filled with scripture. We fervently began diving into God’s word and writing the scriptures that stuck out to us on the wood; even Rebecca and Elizabeth looked up scripture and wrote them on the walls. It brings meaning to the verse in Deut. 6:9 “write them on the doorframes of your house”. One of the verses I found was Joshua 3:5; the Israelites were camped out on the Jordan ready to cross into the promise land when Joshua told the people “consecrate yourselves for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.” It was getting late and the little ones wanted time with me so we had to stop but we still had blank space on the wood so I continued to look up scripture as I sat with the girls as they watched tv.  As I was reading God’s word I kept coming back to the story of the Israelites crossing the Jordan and I realized that God is indeed preparing us. Just as He prepared and tested His people in the desert for 40 years, He has done the same with us; just not in such a drastic way. We had been in a spiritual desert, saying we trusted in Him yet leaning on our own understanding. The wall was our “Jordan” and we were crossing into the promise land.

It's All Gonna Be Ok - pt 1

Tomorrow I will be back to facebook. These last 40 days have been such a blessing to be unplugged even though I definitely feel out of the loop in several areas of my life. The time that I have been able to pour into my family and spend with God has been great. I thought I would be able to share some of the things that God was speaking to me with you but He really didn’t speak much until this past weekend.

First let me start with the kitchen remodel. I have dreamed for several years now of a new kitchen. (I know a very earthly desire) I envisioned a place where me and the girls and their friends could gather after school or while I’m fixing supper and just talk and have fun. When you have 4 girls two of who are teenagers you find that your family grows quickly with the friends that become so intertwined in your life and I think it is such a blessing to be able to mentor to these young ladies. Over the past couple of years we have tried to save up for it but with the girls in private school we have put little away. Back in December during my devotion time I was reading the parable of the fig tree in Matthew 21:18-21 and God really spoke to me about my doubt.  Jesus replied to His disciples when they asked why the fig tree had withered so quickly “…I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go through yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”  That was when I began praying that God will take my doubt, since my prayers were not being answered in my timing, and to give me wisdom about my desires for the kitchen to be remodeled. Was it an earthly desire?, And if it was then to change my heart. Over the next several months God began preparing the way and showing us a plan that we could get the kitchen done. At the same time it was moving from a desire to something the needed to be done. (In other words it was falling apart around us). So last month we began the final planning and ordering cabinets. We have to finance part of it and my heart cringes with that since we are trying to get out of debt, but the day we ordered the cabinets and countertops (which,  for those of you who have never done a kitchen remodel, are not cheap) I had a peace that I have NEVER felt when we have spent that much money. I didn’t even have that kind of peace when we paid the girls tuitions. Unfortunately the enemy quickly came in and began to take that peace and worry set in.

Last weekend, I was able to go with my daughter to an awesome women’s conference out of town knowing that this was the weekend my husband and an acquaintance from church who we hired to help was going to take the wall between the kitchen and dining room out. It didn’t take long at the conference for God to speak to me. During worship the first night we sang “Embrace” by Jake Hamilton. The lyrics repeat “it’s all gonna be ok” and I made it through singing it once before the tears came in abundance. God was speaking directly to me that “it’s ALL GONNA BE OK”. The name of the conference was EMBRACE and all weekend I felt Daddy embracing me.  At the end of the conference the main speaker Julainne had a word for me. I honestly don’t remember much of what she was saying but I heard God saying, “Give your burdens to me and quit picking them back up. And quit picking up everyone else’s, lay them down and leave them,” then the old hymn “gonna lay down my burdens down by the riverside” came in my head.  The stronghold of doubt and control were broken during that weekend.  Olivia and I came back refreshed, renewed, and revived. 

God spoke to me that "if His eye is on the sparrow then HIs heart is on me". He knows the desire of our hearts (Psalm 37:4) and He wants to give good gifts (Matthew 7:11). He tells us to "not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." - Philippians 4:6

Here is a link to Jake Hamiltons song Embrace. http://youtu.be/VphBebphKLY

To Be Continued...

What Robs You of Your Time?

I started a new Bible Study last Friday, Created to be His Help Meet and one of our first assignments was to think of ways I could be a better helper to my husband. That's not an easy task since he is out of town yet again with the military. Yet there is something I can do to be a better help meet.
About a month ago I had done my devotion and as usually proceeded  to log onto facebook; before I knew it 2 hours had went by (come on admit it you’ve done it too). I logged off and looked around at the things that I had neglected. Now I’m not saying I don’t do anything and that I spend all day on the computer but I have realized, this month, the time that it steals away from me. I work out of the house so I create my own schedule so it is easy to say, “I’m just going to get on and check my messages or play one game.” Then before we know it 2 hours have gone by and laundry could have been finished or the living room vacuumed.  Now I have to scramble to try to get things done, that if I wouldn’t have been chatting with my friends, I could have gotten done. Facebook is not a bad thing. I keep in touch with my family better, and my friends far away.
Many of us have become addicted. We must get our fix before the day begins or before we close our eyes at night. Lord, forgive us of our idol worship. God gives us a commandment and a promise in Joshua 1:8 “Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.” He even says in Proverbs 10:4 “Lazy hands make for poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth.” I am not saying I am a lazy person in general. I work very hard but when I log into my computer a spirit of laziness comes on me.
I began paying attention to what happens when I spend so much time on the computer and realized the extra work I create for myself and for my husband. I also am aware of the things that I have neglected with my kids. Poor Rebecca does not even have any pictures in my albums because I say I don’t have time. Or I tell them I’m too busy to play with them because I have to clean. Would I have gotten those things done had I not been on facebook? What could God speak to me if I meditated on Him as much as I was on facebook?                                                                                                          

For the next 40 days I’m going to find out. Every year during lent I try to find something I can give up to focus on God more. What better thing to give up than something that replaces my time with Him in the morning and night. At the same time, this is something I can do to be a better help meet to my husband by taking care of things so he doesn’t have too. I do think I will still let him cook when he is home since the kids like his cooking better. What does ginning up facebook look like for me? There are a lot of people that I have contact with for school things and for work only through facebook. Because of that I will be receiving any messages that someone send me via my phone and I can reply to them, but for the next 40 days starting tomorrow I am not allowed to log into facebook. If you find that it is robbing you then I challenge you to spend more time serving your family, loving them, and seeking and spending more time with God over the next 40 days; will you join me?

For Those Who Wait

Over the years that we struggled with our marriage, the hardest thing for me was the loneliness. I felt like I was the only one fighting for our marriage. Things really started turning around for us when I stopped wallowing in the loneliness and realized that the one I needed to run to was waiting with arms wide open. It was then I realized that I was not alone. God desired the same things I did. It changed my prayers and my outlook and gave me hope. For those who are in the same place I was, listen to Fireflight’s song “For Those Who Wait”. I waited and prayed for years but I never gave up and because of that our marriage is better than ever.

“Another day, another waiting time

A little different, but it’s still the same”

For years I wrote in my journal about my journey and it was so depressing when I would look back and nothing had changed.

“I am here, where is the one I’m longing for?”

I thought my longing was for Jason, but God wanted me to long for Him and fill that void with Him.

“I’m having trouble, feeling all alone

Will my heart ever find a home?

I want to hope but sometimes I just don’t know

I’m not the only one”

My heart was searching for something in my marriage, or so I thought. In reality the hunger I felt was for God. I’m not the only one and I wasn’t alone, He was with me.

“So we sing a lullaby to the lonely heart tonight

Let it set your heart on fire, let it set you free

When you’re fighting to believe

In the love you cannot see

Just know there is a purpose

For those who wait”

God is singing us a lullaby telling us that we may not see what His purpose is but “it is not to harm you but to prosper you and give you a hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11).

“I want to open my eyes

I know that all I need is time

I’m growing stronger every single day

Got to go I’ll leave it to you now

Letting go of all my fear and doubt

I can’t do this on my own so I give you control”

In my waiting for God to change Jason; He changed me. He made me stronger, He made me realize the fears and the doubt that I had that things would never truly change. It didn’t matter the knowledge I had that God could heal, I still doubted, because I doubted that Jason would allow the change. When I gave that over to God when I “let go” of that, and gave God total control, that was when I saw significant change, not only in our marriage but in Jason’s heart and in my heart.

“The pressure makes us stronger

The struggle makes us hunger

The hard lessons make the difference

And the difference makes it worth it.

Let it set your heart on fire

This is for those who wait”

Watch the video here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcRMNiZtj5s