The Healing Begins Part 3

So now I had a faith vision for our marriage yet we were still going to class and hearing what God was doing but not really seeing it in our relationship. Jason was able to attend most of the classes even working a swing shift (3-11). One of the classes though that he missed was one that caused me to argue with God yet again. Not that I didn't like the lesson but I was upset that it was a lesson I felt Jason really needed to hear. Fear crept in again that Jason wouldn't hear the lesson from me so I began to pray and this is what God told me
Jeremiah 31:2-6
"This is what the Lord says: 'The people who survive the sword will find favor in the desert; I will come to give rest to Israel.'
The Lord appeared to us in the past saying, 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness"
-and this was for me and Jason-
"I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, o Virgin Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out and dance with the joyful. Again you will plant vineyards in the hills of Samaria; the farmers will plant them and enjoy their fruit..."
Jason returned from his TDY and we sat down and I taught him the lesson. As I was worrying while he was gone, God was softening his heart to hear his word. After teaching the lesson God gave me another passage which is what we both hold toeven today. It is His promise to us.

Joel 2:25-26
"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten...You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you.”

After that God really began to move. We went through the trials of Jason having a tumor and losing several loved ones, all the while clinging to that verse. During the time we were going through the tumor scare I received a vision from God of Jason speaking to lots of people about marriage and we were in agreement that we were to be in marriage ministry. But if any of you have ever been called you  know that is when you come under attack the most. As we began to walk in that by teaching Married for Life classes, again, our marriage came under attack.

The Healing Begins- Part 2

When I first signed us up for the Married for Life class I was scared that I would have to drag Jason through it. We were in agreement that we needed to do something to save our marriage but was this it?
I felt it was our last resort. I gave it to God and thought to myself if this doesn't help I'm filing for divorce. I did not want my kids to go through what both Jason and I went through with our parents fighting all the time. As I have said and will say again God's timing is not our own. The first few weeks we would go to class and here the testimonies of how God was working in everyone’s marriage and then we would get in the car and fight. Then, a breakthrough happened, not necessarily in Jason and our marriage, but in my own heart.

Excerpt for my journal May 11, 2005
"Tonight was our Married for Life Class. I signed up for this as a leap of faith, not trusting Jason to follow through, but trusting God to move on our marriage and heal it. After all that we have been through and in worldly views having almost every reason to leave, God granted me a vision. My faith vision first began when we became Christians. God showed me glimpses of what HE desires Jason to be. A little while later, during our Song of Solomon study and the study on baggage, HE began giving me the vision of what He desires for our marriage. He began to give me that desire and I have seen where He has worked on me and prepared in me to meet His will and His design for this union. It is when I take my eyes off of Him and look at Jason that I lose hope and the pain rushes back. The biggest thing that I have learned tonight is something I've known in my head and missed in my heart. Doubt is not from God. Fear is not from God. I have especially struggled this last year because God gave me that vision for our marriage and I desire God's will but I have wanted it on my time not His. Because of that, Satan has entered in and attacked my most sacred place- my faith- and I have let him do it. Father forgive me for letting the enemy in and doubt You. Lord keep that doubt out and take that seed from me. I know you will heal this marriage. Father give me strength to wait on Your timing. Give me the wisdom and renew in me Your Vision of our marriage. Reveal to me through Your Word the truth. Let it remain in me and 'do not let my faith waiver through unbelief' (Romans 4:20) In Jesus Name, Amen.

The Healing Begins- part 1

In early 2003 I was pregnant with our 4th child and Jason and I were fighting more than ever. I remember crying out to God asking Him why things were only getting worse and not better and asking Him why Jason wasn't changing. I remember sitting at my dining room table praying to God why he wasn't moving in Jason's life. I heard Him say, "I'm trying, He's not listening." I knew then that God heard my cries and that gave me comfort but looking back I see Jason wasn't the only one not listening to God. Things did get a little better and we moved into our own home in Sept. 2003 and Rebecca was born at home on Oct 30, 2003 into her Daddy's and my hands. Again from the outside everything looked good. At times, I even thought they were good. But the enemy would not leave us alone.
In June 2004 Jason was back on the road with the Air Force and again I was left to struggle, this time with 4 kids, on my own. But while most if my struggles were flesh (the everyday taking care of kids and running a house), Jason’s were spiritual. At this time He was on medication for depression and his back and his blood pressure, but more than his health was the spiritual darkness over him. The struggle for me was to hold onto faith. So many times I wanted to leave. In February 2005 we again were at the end of a rope. When Jason was on the road I took a leap of faith and signed us up for a Married for Life Class.

Excerpt from my journal Feb. 14, 2005
"Our marriage needs this. I am so tired of both of us not putting God in the middle and this (Married for Life) will help put Him at the center of our marriage where He should be. ... Lord I know you desire for Jason and I to have a godly marriage. Married for Life is an answer to prayer for me. God we need these tools to put You in the center of our marriage and heal the wounds. Father I pray that you will bring Jason home in time for this course, Lord, and if he needs to go out again then give us conviction to follow through...Don't let anything, including the Air Force stand in the way of your will for our marriage. Father, guide us in Your direction so that our marriage will glorify You...”

God is in Control

Three weeks ago last Wednesday we received word that Jason would be deploying to Afghanistan. You would think that with almost 20 years in the Air Force I would be used to it, but the longest Jason has ever been gone was around 65 days. The thought of him not only leaving for a year but going to Afghanistan was unbearable.   I began this blog to share our story of healing and restoration and what God was going to do during our time apart. It has been an emotional roller coaster trying to prepare for him to leave before Christmas but God is so much bigger than any situation we may find ourselves in. Last Sunday during church the sermon was on giving God control and Jason and I went to the altar and let Him have it all. Tuesday night I had a vision of me and a friend in a field and Jason was in the background.  A hawk landed in front of us, and then a big eagle came and landed beside the hawk. I don't know if my friend spoke it or what but I heard these words,"you are expecting freedom of this hawk, but I have for you freedom of an eagle."  The next day we found out his training classes were cancelled and on Wednesday we found out that his orders to Afghanistan were officially cancelled. I am still going to continue to write our story, but I will be posting more frequently for a little while so I can bring everyone up to date on where our marriage is currently, then you can hang on with me as God takes us for the ride of a lifetime. With all He has done so far He has to have some mighty plans for us.

excerpt from Power of a Praying Wife Journal

After trying before to read Power of a Praying Wife I decided again to pick it up. Not just read it but journal what God was doing this is my first entry in that journal. I wrote this at the height of his depression and when I was on the upswing from my own battle with depression.

December 4,2002

"A week ago, actually longer, more like a month or two, up to a week ago I had given Jason an ultimatum. He had until February 2003 to change or I was taking the kids and leaving. I felt hurt, abandoned, angry and most of all desperate. I just wanted away from the pain. I could not imagine living the rest of my life with all this junky emotion inside of me. Everything Jason did would disgust me. I hated being in the same room with him; all because of unresolved hurt. I would cry out to him and yell at him and he never heard what my heart was saying. I felt alone and frustrated. I reflected on our marriage and that made me more angry. I wasn't going to be the one to budge; he owed me an apology for every hurt even though he didn't know what it was. The verse in Ephesians 'wives submit to your husbands' cut me like a knife. How could I submit to someone who was so weak? I cried out to God. I didn't want to hurt anymore. As I struggled with the desire to leave and run away from the pain I would come downstairs and literally cry out to God. I even got angry at Him for not moving and convicting Jason. I didn't want to leave because deep down I love Jason but I felt desperate and I struggled. God would convict me because I wasn't very nice and I felt as though I was arguing with Him saying, ‘but he has hurt me and I have a right to be angry and use words to hurt him. After all You aren't doing anything.'

Sunday something changed. We talked about service and attitude and God not only flicked me in the ear but He hit me over the head repeatedly. It is not about me. It doesn't matter what Jason does to hurt me. I must be the best wife to him I can even if I don't want to. I have tried to read this book before but I wasn't ready. I had to get past the selfishness and resentment to open my heart. I am writing this at the start of a journey that God is about to lead us on....I know there will be times when I am hurt and argue with God but I also know He desires and plans for something great for our marriage."

This is the prayer that I prayed that day and it is just as relevant today as it was then.

"Father thank you. Thank you for giving me Jason. Lord I pray that you will continue to change my heart. I submit my marriage to you, Lord. I pray today that You will continue to move in our marriage. Strengthen us as individuals and strengthen us as one. Lord bless this marriage so that we can show others Your power. Father, thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for revealing Your love which will carry me through the difficult times. Lord I praise your power and your glory. In Jesus Holy Name Amen."

Darkness

       A lot has happened since those days in Texas. We had a beautiful homebirth with our third daughter Elizabeth and in 2003 we returned to Nebraska. Soon after that move we were expecting the birth of our 4th daughter, Rebecca and purchased our first home where she was born. But those events, as huge as they were were only the surface of what God was doing in my heart and in Jason’s heart and in our marriage.       I know I'm jumping around a lot but I really want to get to the heart of the matter. As I had mentioned I began running after God. That running came from the hole in my heart and all I wanted to do was fill it. I had spent so many years looking for Jason to fill that hole and one day I realized it wasn't my relationship with Jason that would fill it but my relationship with my Savior.
      Over the years both Jason and I struggled with depression. I knew Jesus was healing me and I thought God would begin to heal our marriage immediately. We almost gave up before we moved to Texas, I wanted to leave again shortly after and then I found God, but that didn't solve all the problems. During my time with Zoila discipling me and teaching me who Jesus really was and how to have an intimate relationship with Him, Jason was slipping further and further into depression. On the outside we looked like a happy family but on the inside we were dying inside.  There was so much hurt on both sides of our marriage. I tried to read "Power of a Praying Wife" and couldn't even pray for my husband because I was harboring so much hurt and unforgiveness. I felt as though he left in 1996 before Olivia was born and that I was alone in our marriage. I struggled with feelings of abandonment and longed for him to take care of me again. The whole time though I was only focusing on me and didn't really see how far down he was slipping.
      When we returned to Nebraska it was winter, I was trying to home school and Jason was struggling with things that I didn't even know. During that time in our marriage there wasn't a whole lot of communication except fighting. Somehow through all the fighting, we ended up getting pregnant. Gods timing is often not our own and I questioned him on why he would bring a child into a marriage that was falling apart. I had watched as our marriage affected Trinity and Olivia (Elizabeth was too young at the time) and I didn't want another child to be hurt by us. I loved her soo much but was scared for what was to come. At that time I didn't even know if we were going to be together. There was a huge darkness over our family and I was struggling with holding onto my faith.

Coming to God

The thing that I have learned over the last 9-10 years is that God NEVER leaves our side. I need to back track in our story a little before I continue, to share with you my history with God. Of course we all, even if we don’t believe it, have a history with God after all- He created us. But my personal journey began when I was little and my Grandma Spoon would read the Bible to me and my parents would make me go to church every Sunday even though they didn't. I grew up learning all the Bible stories and learning about Jesus but no one ever really told me I could truly KNOW Him.  As a teenager I was very observant and when I saw the hypocrisy in the church it made me not want to be a part of this "religion" and I turned my back on God. I still believed in him but started searching for something better. Something true, because what I saw in the church was not truth.

When I met Jason I was probably the farthest away from God I had been in my life and when we were married I didn't want any mention of God in my wedding. But as I said God never leaves our side and HE never stops pursuing you. We were very fortunate to find a little minister who was the preacher at my aunt’s church (who by the way prayed me through my teen years and would drag me to church in the summer). She insisted on praying at our wedding and telling a story or she wouldn't do the ceremony. We reluctantly agreed. Now Jason hadn’t really even gone to church and knew very little about God. His Grandma took him a few times as a kid but he never really learned any of the stories like I had.

So now flash forward to Texas and Fairway Baptist Church in Wichita Falls 1999. As I stated in previous post we started attending church to see some dear friends of ours. At this time Trinity was 5 and Olivia was 3. We started attending very casually but every time we were there we would get in the car afterwards and say to each other, "Does he (the preacher) know us?" It was as if someone had called him that week and said, “the Noble's are coming to church Sunday and this is what is going on in their life so you need to preach something directly to them." It's amazing how God uses His followers to draw the lost. It wasn't long and we were going every Sunday. I felt as if I was beginning to find what I had been searching for after so many years. 

In Early 2000 both Jason and I accepted Christ into our hearts and were baptized. Shortly After that Trinity also accepted Christ and was baptized and when Olivia was 5 she too followed us in accepting Christ and being baptized. I was then blessed even further with a wonderful mentor who took me under her wing and taught me what a true relationship with Jesus was about. The next couple of years I spent learning everything I could and seeking God and what His word said and what he had planned for my life. Little did I know then, the plans He had for me and for my family.  

Texas-the beginning

We Arrive in Texas with a two year old, almost 5 year old, my mom (who had moved in with us in Omaha to help me with the girls), and our dog. Moving hundreds of miles away is never an easy task, especially with kids. The stress in our marriage was at its peak. We stayed in a very small temporary living facility (TLF) for about 2 weeks while we were house hunting. Eventualy I couldn't take that anymore and we moved into an apartment.  We were still house hunting, but when all of our things were delivered by the movers our savings quickly disapeared to replace the damaged goods and to help my mom financially while she looked for a job. At the time it was very stress full and I remember packing our suitcases 3 times and wanting to leave. Looking back I see it was divine intervention.
During our time in the apartment, we met Roger and Sherry who quickly became like extended family to us and even though we had wonderful neighbors an apartment is no place for a family with two young kids, a dog, and a grandma. After nine months in the apartment we finally got a house on  base. After a few weeks of living on base we decided the best way to see Roger and Sherry was to go to church with them. Now over the years we were the typical "non-Christian attend church only on Easter", so it wasn't like we were total heathens but neither I nor Jason knew what God had in store for us.