excerpt from Power of a Praying Wife Journal

After trying before to read Power of a Praying Wife I decided again to pick it up. Not just read it but journal what God was doing this is my first entry in that journal. I wrote this at the height of his depression and when I was on the upswing from my own battle with depression.

December 4,2002

"A week ago, actually longer, more like a month or two, up to a week ago I had given Jason an ultimatum. He had until February 2003 to change or I was taking the kids and leaving. I felt hurt, abandoned, angry and most of all desperate. I just wanted away from the pain. I could not imagine living the rest of my life with all this junky emotion inside of me. Everything Jason did would disgust me. I hated being in the same room with him; all because of unresolved hurt. I would cry out to him and yell at him and he never heard what my heart was saying. I felt alone and frustrated. I reflected on our marriage and that made me more angry. I wasn't going to be the one to budge; he owed me an apology for every hurt even though he didn't know what it was. The verse in Ephesians 'wives submit to your husbands' cut me like a knife. How could I submit to someone who was so weak? I cried out to God. I didn't want to hurt anymore. As I struggled with the desire to leave and run away from the pain I would come downstairs and literally cry out to God. I even got angry at Him for not moving and convicting Jason. I didn't want to leave because deep down I love Jason but I felt desperate and I struggled. God would convict me because I wasn't very nice and I felt as though I was arguing with Him saying, ‘but he has hurt me and I have a right to be angry and use words to hurt him. After all You aren't doing anything.'

Sunday something changed. We talked about service and attitude and God not only flicked me in the ear but He hit me over the head repeatedly. It is not about me. It doesn't matter what Jason does to hurt me. I must be the best wife to him I can even if I don't want to. I have tried to read this book before but I wasn't ready. I had to get past the selfishness and resentment to open my heart. I am writing this at the start of a journey that God is about to lead us on....I know there will be times when I am hurt and argue with God but I also know He desires and plans for something great for our marriage."

This is the prayer that I prayed that day and it is just as relevant today as it was then.

"Father thank you. Thank you for giving me Jason. Lord I pray that you will continue to change my heart. I submit my marriage to you, Lord. I pray today that You will continue to move in our marriage. Strengthen us as individuals and strengthen us as one. Lord bless this marriage so that we can show others Your power. Father, thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for revealing Your love which will carry me through the difficult times. Lord I praise your power and your glory. In Jesus Holy Name Amen."