Darkness

       A lot has happened since those days in Texas. We had a beautiful homebirth with our third daughter Elizabeth and in 2003 we returned to Nebraska. Soon after that move we were expecting the birth of our 4th daughter, Rebecca and purchased our first home where she was born. But those events, as huge as they were were only the surface of what God was doing in my heart and in Jason’s heart and in our marriage.       I know I'm jumping around a lot but I really want to get to the heart of the matter. As I had mentioned I began running after God. That running came from the hole in my heart and all I wanted to do was fill it. I had spent so many years looking for Jason to fill that hole and one day I realized it wasn't my relationship with Jason that would fill it but my relationship with my Savior.
      Over the years both Jason and I struggled with depression. I knew Jesus was healing me and I thought God would begin to heal our marriage immediately. We almost gave up before we moved to Texas, I wanted to leave again shortly after and then I found God, but that didn't solve all the problems. During my time with Zoila discipling me and teaching me who Jesus really was and how to have an intimate relationship with Him, Jason was slipping further and further into depression. On the outside we looked like a happy family but on the inside we were dying inside.  There was so much hurt on both sides of our marriage. I tried to read "Power of a Praying Wife" and couldn't even pray for my husband because I was harboring so much hurt and unforgiveness. I felt as though he left in 1996 before Olivia was born and that I was alone in our marriage. I struggled with feelings of abandonment and longed for him to take care of me again. The whole time though I was only focusing on me and didn't really see how far down he was slipping.
      When we returned to Nebraska it was winter, I was trying to home school and Jason was struggling with things that I didn't even know. During that time in our marriage there wasn't a whole lot of communication except fighting. Somehow through all the fighting, we ended up getting pregnant. Gods timing is often not our own and I questioned him on why he would bring a child into a marriage that was falling apart. I had watched as our marriage affected Trinity and Olivia (Elizabeth was too young at the time) and I didn't want another child to be hurt by us. I loved her soo much but was scared for what was to come. At that time I didn't even know if we were going to be together. There was a huge darkness over our family and I was struggling with holding onto my faith.